THE FAKE BOOK PLOTS THREAD
Psst. This post won't last long... Read it while it's here!
Per my last post about romance novels, I present to you the Fake Book Plots Thread.
BONUS: if you want to continue this thread of silliness, comment a JOB or CAREER on this literal post and get some brand new fake romance plots!
Here’s what I wrote to introduce this thread on FB:
FAKE ROMANCE BOOK PLOTS THREAD! Comment with a JOB/CAREER and I will tell you the title and premise of the romance novel whose hero/heroine has that job. Make 'em tough, please. I don't know how many I have in me, so first come first served. (Coincidentally that's the title of the 2005 erotic fiction debut of Alice Dubeaux, which featured an ice cream truck driver desperately trying to lose his virginity).
This thread will likely be NSFW (dad, that means it'll have a lot of sexy jokes) so family members feel free to mute.
And here are the results:
CUSTODIAL APPRENTICE
In "The Disinfected Heart," Julia meets an amazing man in a bar and shares a devastating kiss-- the night before she shows up at her custodial internship and discovers that her mystery man is actually HER BOSS. Can she put aside her growing feelings for the sake of the custodial career she's finally achieving? And will he finally get over the girlfriend who died tragically a decade ago in the chemistry lab of the school where they work?
VETERINARIAN
Don't miss the devastating latest in the White Coats series, a contemporary romance series about the adventures of a group of women who met in pre-med and each took a different path... to medicine, and to love. In "You Had Me At Meow," Dr. Gretchen Holloway has no need for romance-- she's got her thriving vet practice, her weekend survivalist club and an ailing dad to worry about. But she hasn't counted on a surly contractor and his bipolar cat. This vet might just need a check up of her own.
STREET SWEEPER
He'd been a cinematographer at the top of his game-- until scandal sent him home to Brighton to nurse his wounds and help his dad with the sweeping business. She's a tax lawyer recovering from a nasty divorce at the seaside and has given up on men altogether. But a local photography contest, a shark sighting and an accidental portrait throw them together for an unforgettable summer-- and maybe for the rest of their lives. Don't miss "Swept Away." (obviously that's what it has to be called, I don't make the rules)
MARINE BIOLOGIST
"When You Fish Upon a Star:" It's 1824 in England and Samantha Thorne does NOT want to marry a peer. She wants to continue her private study of the wildlife in the ocean near her family's estate. When her paper on rare carp is accepted to the Royal Biological Society (under the name S. Thorne) she knows she must get to that conference to present-- and only confirmed rake and older-brother's-best-friend Regis St. Confirmation is the one to take her. He'll have to try to keep her virtue intact and resist temptation, even as they have to consistently share ONLY ONE BED every time they stop at an inn.
AVOCADO SUPPLIER
"Recipe for Disaster:" Greg Markham can sell anything to anyone-- and he has the sales record at Dole to prove it. To cement his VP promotion, his boss wants him to "take care of" the problem at the avocado packaging plant by selling the FDA inspectors on their safety practices. But he doesn't expect the inspector he meets... Meanwhile, FDA agent Alexis Bredwell has a perfect record and a lot of pride in the job she does. But she hasn't come up against an adversary with this kind of persistence-- or those forearms. It's not just a nationwide avocado recall on the line-- it's their hearts.
TOWN DOG ENUMERATOR
"Foster Hearts:" Danforth Sameness is a buttoned up city councilman, and his sister is on his back to date. Mitzi Ballon is the free spirit who owns the local coffee shop and she's on a mission to create the town's first dog census. When his sister runs into him at the coffee shop, a misunderstanding involving a mint latte leads him to propose that he and Mitzi pretend to be together-- save him the family hassle, and lend her dog-census mission some much needed credibility. But as the dog census hearing approaches, plus his sister's wedding obviously, can they tell the difference between pretend-- and real love?
DOG GROOMER
This one is a classic Cinderella story but with a horrible dog grooming boss named Theatrica La Belle.
"A Little Off the Top:" Julie St. Bernard has come to LA for one reason-- to prove herself as the next big thing in celebrity dog grooming. But her internship is drudgery and nail-trimming in the back of the shop. One fateful night the world-famous World's Sexiest Man Alive A list actor, Brick Alexander, sneaks his poodle in the back to avoid publicity and mistakes Julie for the head groomer. They share a mild-melting, unexpectedly multi-orgasmic experience while the poodle is air-drying. When he returns to the shop, she's nowhere to be found, leaving Brick desperate to find his mysterious groomer, while Julie must keep her true identity as lowly assistant a secret.
COURT STENOGRAPHER
OOH this was one of my favorite suspense romances of 2018. "Touch Type:" Two years ago, court stenographer Willa Bernstein's sleepy life in Fleischman Falls was turned upside down when a taciturn, tattooed bank robber on the lam broke into her house and gave her the absolutely bone-shaking night of her life, only to disappear in the morning. Now she's shocked to see him again-- this time in her courtroom, on trial for murder. Just what kind of danger is she in? Can she just take down his testimony? Or will she find a way to take down his pants?
CHICKEN SEXER( it’s a thing https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chick_sexing)
"Get Hatched:" Alan Bing is tired of his chicken plant job, and just needs $5000 to quit. Gretchen Finder is tired of her virginity and she just won $5000 in a writing contest. They've been friends since 3rd grade. But now Gretchen needs Alan's help-- and she's willing to hire him to do the dirty work. They will try to keep it just business... but these chickens will definitely not just get sexed. They will also get fall-in-loved.
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.
"Warming Trends:" Climate activist Joshua Lichtenstein defied his DC blueblood family's expectations of corporate lawyer-dom or political stardom, instead teaching labor law at his local Maryland community college. When the members of his undergrad climate justice club-- a ragtag band of misfits, obviously-- decide to sue the United States for violating their human rights, he's skeptical but happy to indulge this educational project. The suit gets traction and attention at the same moment the US's new Supreme Court Justice is sworn in-- and it's Josh's ex-fiancee from law school, Amelie Truth. As Josh fights for his students, and for our future, will Josh and Amelie get a second chance at what they could have had? (Note: some previous coursework in Constitutional Law is recommended for this book.)
PHLEBOTOMIST
"I'm O Positive I Love You:" a supernatural romantic comedy. Gregor is a vampire who's sick of immortality. He's been around since the 1500's and honestly? It's all been done. That is, until he meets phlebotomist Jill... or rather, until Jill confronts him late one night during one of his usual blood runs to the donation bank. She's mortal, mousy, and absolutely adorable. And Gregor might have a new lease on (non) life... if he can convince her to make her interest in blood a forever one.
HAND MODEL
"Manual Dexterity:" No one models hands like Thatch Bellagio. His hands are fifteen feet tall in Times Square; they're recognizable enough that the luxury watch industry has an annual bidding war for his hands to do their spring campaigns. But one morning Thatch wakes up to the unthinkable-- thumb paralysis. Meanwhile, Jessie Bolton is an orthopedist with a shameful secret-- she's never had an orgasm, and it's not for lack of trying. A lot. When Thatch shows up as a walk-in appointment in sunglasses, swearing her to secrecy, to help him get back in the game in time for his next million dollar gig, Jessie finds herself wondering just how talented his hands might be. As she agrees to treat him in secret for the next six weeks, they're on a collision course to each other-- and maybe to forever.
KITE SURFER/KITE SURFING INSTRUCTOR
"THREE SAILS:" Ever since he saw his parents killed in a kite surfing accident, Niles Fitchwad hasn't gone near the water. But his health insurance management company team building weekend includes kite surfing, and Niles can't say no. When he meets the gentle, tanned kite surfing instructor, Rain Terrent, and Rain's apprentice, Val Kilmer Bernstein, something unlocks inside him-- about kite surfing, and also about love. Rain and Val Kilmer (it's all his first name) have been dancing around a relationship for years, but it will take meeting Niles to help them realize-- it takes three to tango.
VEGAN CHEF
"Heart Allergies:" Barry Blendfarb has his life figured out: gym, condo, a tight schedule of no-strings women, and a high-profile gig as the publicist for the National Beef Council. But when a Prius rear-ends his BMW, and the winsome, dizzy girl behind the wheel has no insurance and no savings, he finds himself doing the unthinkable: he agrees to accept guitar lessons as a trade to help pay for the damage. Fizzy Bovine turns out to be the absolute worst possible person to know-- the head chef at local vegan eatery and anti-meat activist haven, the Pea Proteinery. Fizzy could use some practical advice in living, and Barry could use some advice in listening to his heart. And as they navigate their professional conflicts and their undeniable attraction, Barry discovers that his well-ordered world is about to get put in a blender with a bunch of chia seeds, and a lot of love.
MORTICIAN
"Definitely Not Dead:" Emily Farquar has been helping her dad with the bodies at the Peaceful Rest, Rocking Party Funeral Home & Event Space since she was old enough to measure embalming fluid, while her photographer brother Greg has been the in-house event photographer for the space. It's a cozy family affair-- but when Greg goes missing, Emily has to call Greg's best friend from art school (and her childhood crush), tattooed metal sculptor Josh Bronzer, to help track him down. As they start to unravel a mystery involving a mafia wedding, a murdered guest and a roll of Greg's film, the two of them set out across the country to find Greg on a road trip that will require Josh's charm/forearms, Emily's medical expertise-- and some serious self control. Emily doesn't think he'll ever see her that way. And Josh is determined not to fall for his possibly dead best friend's little sister. But maybe Emily can use her trocar to successfully drain the existing cavity fluid from around Josh's heart and replace it-- with love.