How to find your perfect temperature

There are so many ways to tell stories - and only one of them is a Netflix special

Let me tell you my favorite metaphor for personal storytelling lately.

Back when I lived in New York City, my friends and I would sometimes spend the day at Spa Castle in Queens. Their website says they’re a “four-season family-friendly urban spa.” It’s a spa in the Korean tradition— it has a bunch of floors, with hydrotherapy pools and spa services and a grotto with a waterfall and a bunch of saunas and a bar/restaurant on the top floor. You leave your stuff in a locker and spend the day drinking juice and jumping in pools.

There was a kind of grove of hot tubs in the locker room area. Each hot tub had a little red digital readout that told you the temperature of the water, which ranged from “hot” to “cook your pasta.”

And I should say— I'm kind of a baby about this stuff. I didn’t go in the hot ones. I barely went in the WARM ones. I want my water to be a few degrees above room temperature, and when I get in ANY kind of pool, I do it so slowly you’d think I was a geological formation. But my friend Eileen would go straight into the hottest one and stay there. Or she’d sweat it out in one of the more advanced saunas, and come out bright red and completely relaxed. Meanwhile my friend Alex— it would be February and he would be out in the outdoor pool, which was lined with snow, and he's in his swimming trunks jumping in.

This is not my friend Alex. I like how this kid is clearly asking someone outside the frame to hold hands and jump with him. But maybe she doesn’t want to jump! Maybe she wants to get in a tiny bit at a time over the course of 25 minutes! I feel for you, reluctant offstage little sister.

We all wanted our own experiences. But we were still all at Spa Castle! We met up for white wine at the end of the day, on the top floor.

Why am I reminiscing about Spa Castle? Well, I think of personal storytelling like a four-season, family-friendly urban resort. Yes, STORYTELLING is a giant umbrella on its own, but even when it comes to telling your own story— there are so many ways to do this, and enjoy it, and get something out of it.

Storytelling is like a big pool complex. Maybe you jump right in. Maybe you put your feet in for a little while. But wherever you’re hanging out, you’re STILL at the pool. Stories onstage, stories in emails, stories to friends, stories at work, bedtime stories to your kids (or someone else’s kids), etc. etc.

It seems like sometimes people think that the only way to do storytelling is the high dive. And if you don’t have a Netflix special or a memoir from Harper Collins, you're not really doing it.

But your job isn’t to “make it” to the hard part. It’s just to find the part of the pool you like.

My friend and brilliant colleague Catherine McCarthy taught me a concept many years ago, called “comfort +1.” Everyone has a different comfort zone that they live in. So if you want to challenge yourself in a way that’s not going to feel (or be) dangerous, one step out of your comfort zone is the way to do it. And that step will look different for everybody.

So what does this look like in storytelling? A standup comic’s challenge might be: can I let myself tell a serious story? If I've spent my whole life being entertaining, can I know that I'm worth listening to, even if I'm not being hilarious? That is a comfort zone plus one.

For someone who tends to stick to the facts, but wishes they could be a little more evocative or descriptive, maybe their comfort +1 is: can I tell a little anecdote at the top of my presentation?

And you don’t even have to tell a story! For someone who has never liked talking about themselves and doesn't want to, maybe theirs is: can I really help my friends feel heard? Can I help them make sense of their experience?

Helping you know what your particular comfort is, and then knowing how you want to step a little bit outside of it— not to pain, not to fear, but to challenge— that is one of my favorite things about doing storytelling work. There are so many ways and places to explore storytelling and get something out of it.

We can all go to Spa Castle. And we don’t ever have to actually get into one of those hot tubs.

What’s your comfort +1? What might feel like the right size challenge to try?

Have a wonderful week!

Respectfully and enthusiastically yours,

Micaela

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Work With Me

This fall, come write your memoir with me!

I'm thrilled to be co-teaching WRITING MEMOIR: TELL YOUR STORY IN 8 WEEKS with the amazing Vanessa Zoltan at Not Sorry Productions. We'll meet for 8 Sundays online — you’ll plan in October, write like the wind in November, and by December 1 you’ll have a gloriously messy first draft of your memoir.

Challenge yourself, find your writing community, have a great time. You can find out all the details here (scroll down on the page for memoir info). I hope you’ll join us.

Reach out if you have any questions about it! I’m at hello@micaelablei.com.